It's all for one and every man for himself as Chris Sullivan braves London's Westfield Shopping Centre for the world premiere of The Three Musketeers 3D...
The idea of yet another film based on Alexander Dumas’ classic novel The Three Musketeers didn’t fill me with enthusiasm, let alone one where the ‘star-studded premiere’ was held at Europe’s largest shopping centre and where the guests included stars of The Only Way Is Essex. But I had tickets, so off I went to the Westfield Shopping Centre with a friend, his 10-year-old son and his young mate, who were both there to give us their take.
When we arrived, it was all going off: Flash bulbs and shouting and more flash bulbs - well, there was until I sashayed down the red carpet, there was an audible groan as the paps realised that I was neither Orlando Bloom nor Milla Jovovich.
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (always beware of men with two initials and a first name, especially when their CV includes duds like Resident Evil and Alien Vs. Predator), apparently the film was written specifically to make the most of 3D technology. But, unfortunately, BBC costume drama veteran Andrew Davies’s script was dreadful, the acting was appalling and the plot completely insubstantial.
It gets worse. The flick takes Dumas' premise and ramps it up for the 21st Century. An implausibly baby-faced country bumpkin D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) comes to Paris still smelling of dung, takes on 30 armed soldiers and wins. He impresses three battle-hardened (so they say) musketeers, falls in love with the Queen’s Lady-in-Waiting and, together with the said King's men, manages to confound a conspiracy between the Duke of Buckingham (Bloom), Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) and M’Lady De Winter (Jovovich) to undermine King Louis (Freddie Fox) and start a war.
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On the red carpet Bloom said: "Paul wanted us to base these characters on rock stars which kind of gives you a flavour of what we wanted for the film."
Such a concept might look “awesome” on some Hollywood executive’s desk, but the realty is plain shite.
It’s all swash bosh and buckle and lots of hugely expensive set pieces, heaving bosoms and more silliness. Having said that, the kids loved it. Bet they’ll change their mind when they’re 11.
That said, in person Milla Jovovich is gorgeous - helped by her stunning split-to-the-thigh dress. Other class acts in attendance were Keeley Hawes (hubby Matthew MacFadyen plays Athos), Gabrielle Wilde (who plays D’Artagnan’ s love interest Constance).
Finally, director Anderson, (that’s Mr Jovovich) stood up and said: "She's my harshest critic and I'm her biggest fan, so when she's happy it makes me very happy, and so far she's been happy.”
The Ukrainian actress/model replied: ‘I haven't seen the finished product so if it isn't good, my husband's going to get a hook in the ribs with a short stick."
Bet he’s in agony this morning.
The Three Musketeers is in cinemas now
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